Baller Region: (4) Jay-Z vs. (13) Professor X

Swiss checking in with your latest bracket action. Apparently there's some other March Madness tournament going on right now? Something about basketball? Well if it ain't Kobe, JP Swiss don't give a damn.

From the Baller Region, we match up the Hova and the Mastermind of Mutants, Jay-Z vs. Prof. X.

4 Jay-Z
Jay-Z is indeed a mogul. Transforming his modest rapping ability into a veritable empire, Shawn Corey Carter is one of the most paid artists in the world. His nickname of Hova comes from being the savior, or Jehova of rap. That's quite the claim, comparing himself to the biggest mack of all, God.

Furthermore, he locked up Beyonce who is one of the most attractive ladies on the planet. And he has legit street cred, because he allegedly stabbed a guy at a record release party, which is always respectable.

Yet how does he stack up against his first round rival, Professor X?

13 Professor X

It's an alphabet soup matchup with Z breakin' on X. Professor X is the leader of the X-Men. How baller is it that he named his squad after his own initial? Very baller indeed. Put it this way, Jay Z doesn't have the Z-Squad. Additionally, X is the smartest, most powerful mutant or man in the whole Marvel Universe. That ain't nothing to sleep on, dog.

Professor X gets crippled by Magneto, sure, but that only makes him more of a mogul when he (several times) overcomes his handicap and walks again! Factor in his constant pimping of Jean Grey, Emma Frost, and Moira Taggert and Charles is down to get down. This brings me to a huge criticism of Jay Z: after Chris Brown did the most unballer thing possible and whupped up on Rhianna (closed fist is for noguls, son), Jay Z just let that shit stand. You think that if Chris Brown knocked around Emma Frost X would let him get away? Fuck no! Charles melts your mind, homie.

Furthermore, Jay Z sold his own record label, effectively giving up on his original career. X keeps that shit real and lives in a baller ass mansion!

Also, Jay Z loses face with his wack ass retirement. I can't tell you how much shit like that bothers me. I suppose you could make the case that it's hustlin', but I'll leave that to you and your wanksta ass blog.

Even granting that going into retirement isn't a chump ass move, Xavier trumps Z in that contest too! When the Hova came back, he sold a bunch of records. When X came back, he was manifested as ONSLAUGHT! He killed practically every non-mutant superhero!

The last straw is the fact that in an alternate universe where Xavier dies young, the world falls apart and becomes a dystopia. If Jay-Z never lived, what would be the worst thing that happened? I wouldn't be able to wear shitty Rocawear gear?

The final, final point is that Jay-Z is basically a no-talent wanksta who bit Nas' style and Professor X is a dope ass baller who even has a better rap name.

Let me put this into mathematics for you: X > Z and 13 > 4.

Professor X upsets Jay-Z to make the next round.

Baller Region

Swiss here to drop some knowledge on you with the opening salvo of the Baller Region in Mogul Madness 09.

(8) Tyler Durden vs. (9) Angelina Jolie

We're starting today with the 8 and 9 seeds, Tyler Durden and Angelina Jolie respectively. That's Durden from Fight Club, not Brad Pitt or the PUA, mind you.

Durden is a baller, through and through. He not only created Fight Club, heightened it into Project Mayhem, but he hustled the Narrator out of his own damn life! He looks like you want to look, he acts like you want to act, and he fucks like you want to fuck. Throw in the fact that he macks on Marla and makes it rain with soap all over town and he's a legit mogul.

But who does he face?

Angelina Jolie is a lady mack of epic status. Her dad is John Voight, but she's still smoking hot. That is quite incredible, and she's parlayed it into major movie star status. But her most epic hustle of all has to be stealing Brad Pitt from America's Sweetheart, Jennifer Aniston. Every woman in America feels insecure compared to Jolie, and every woman loves Jennifer Aniston. And all these playa haters had to stand by and watch as Jolie mercilessly stole him away.

Furthermore, she actually hustled Brad Pitt because his goal was to be a father. You want kids, Pitt? How about 10 of the little bastards? A cool baker's dozen? Jolie has his ass globetrotting around the world through warzones and refugee camps to name another snot nosed brat "Aiden."

Ultimately though, these hustles pale in comparison to Durden. Aniston is nothing more than a young Barbara Streisand, so stealing away Pitt isn't the most impressive feat. Durden created a counterculture and made anarcho-primitivism seem like a good idea.

That's a mogul, son.