What up to all my killers and my hundred dollar billers, this is Emcee X checking back in with the mob squad.
So yeah, I know Swiss and I have been slackin on the blog department, but squad you have to understand that here in mob HQ, we gots shit to do and sometime haven't got the time to update as much as we would like.
But don't worry, we're going to kick it back in to gear again. We just had to call a couple of plumber's to fix some leaks, if you catch my drift.
So anyways, I'm bringing you the winner here of the Aristocrat Region, just to fast forward through some match-ups.
The winner is.... #14 seed, Dr. Robotnik
Now i know this might be a surprise to everyone out there but take a look at his credentials, they clearly stack up. First of all do you know any other evil mastermind quite like Robotnik? Didn't think so, i mean whenever you heard his song you would be stricken with terror. Obama would definitely be struck with fright as he would lose in the first round, defeat a wounded Wu Tang clan in the second. Abraham Lincoln wouldn't stand a chance, i mean the Kansas-Nebraska act and the Missouri Compromise wouldn't stand a chance against Metal Sonic!
I mean please, Metal Sonic, sorry Lincoln, you fought hard but, you can't stand up to that. And finally in the Elite 8, Robotnik would take out #1 seed Umbrella Corporation. He would just enslave all the zombies and make them into his henchmen just like he did to all the poor woodland creatuers.
Robotnik, takes the Aristocrat Region as a huge underdog and heads into the Final Four. Who will he meet, stay tuned mob squad to find out.
What's up Mob Squad, Emcee X here bringing ya one of the most anticipated first round match ups of the tournament. Today we get to witness an epic battle in scope and size as the Uruk-hai smashing Gandalf takes on the RZA, the GZA, the Ghostface Killah and the entire Wu-Tang Clan!
Lets begin with Gandalf, who began his mogul journey as Gandalf the Grey. When he went to the shire to visit his homie Bilbo, while toking some herb from a fat pipe which mob squad is always a sign of a true hustler, he discovered that bitch Bilbo was hiding some awesome bling. He straight up coped that shit from Bilbo and went on to form a fucking fellowship of his ring. Back then a fellowship was like in today's terms if you formed a massive corporation, that shit just didn't happen everyday yo! This fellowship went on and just hustled the shit out of middle earth. The list of casualties include; Gríma Wormtongue, Sauron, the punk ass Saruman and one of the all time classic noguls the Steward of Gondor Denethor.
Gandalf not only was a playa in his first life on middle earth when he died, he came back as an even stronger pimp in the form of Gandalf the White. Most pimps and playas can only sustain that level of hustlin over one lifetime but Gandalf was able to continue his hustling, even by hustlin death and come back... at the turn of the tide to smack some bitches up!
However Gandalf is dealing with a most formidable foe in the entire Wu Tang Clan. Which includes the RZA, which is short for the Razor, The GZA aka the Genius, the Ol'Dirty Bastard, Inspectah Deck, Raekwon the chef, Mr. Meth the Method Man, the Ghostface Killah, U-God and the Masta Killa. The members of the Wu Tang Clan all have massive street cred and are one of the all time greatest hip hop groups to ever grace a stage. They have their hands in everything from clothing lines, movies video games. These 9 men are some of the dopest entrepreneurs ever.
The Wu Tang Clan is all about taking heads off and swinging swords like shinobi. They are legit gangstas and will fuck you up. They came up with one of the all time greatest acronyms in CREAM (Cash Rules Everything Around Me) which should be a standard all Moguls should follow their lives by.
So how should this fight be decided on... well if it was up to Meth, and I'm sure Gandalf would not mind, they would probably engage all the participants in this match up in a pre-fight smoke sesh. Like Method says, "roll that shit, light that shit and smoke it". So after everyone is in the proper mind set for the match-up, the only way to decide this fight is of course by bringing in a Balrog in and see who survives.
First of all the Balrog is a great enemy to encounter and this time Gandalf won't have the halls of Moria to save his ass. The Balrog would most likely take out U-God, Masta Killa first seeing as they are the weak links to the clan. Of course ODB would most likely be too high to fight and would walk into a whip attack. Gandalf and RZA, the abbot would be holding their ground. While GZA, Meth, Ghostface and Deck would be attacking from behind. Raekwon would be cooking up some coke since he's the chef but since he was not paying attention he would get axed next.
This epic fight could go on until, Gandalf finally would slay the Balrog after two days and nights and when the fight was over and Gandalf was about to claim victory, Deck would shank him. The remaining members of the clan would then proceed to dump his body in the subterranean lake at the bottom of the great halls of Moria.
The Wu just hustled Gandalf into destroying the Balrog for them and then in appropriate mob style, thanked him appropriately.
Remember, Wu Tang Clan ain't nuthin to Fuck wit! Wu Tang Clan ain't nuthin to Fuck wit!
Alright mob squad, X bringing the first of the number 1 seeds to compete thus far in the tournament as we have scheduled for tonight 16th seed Ash Ketchum of Pokemon fame vs. the 1 seed in the Hustler Region, Franklin D. Roosevelt (FDR).
Let's start off with Ash's hustler credentials, firstly and foremost Ash is a straight pimp. He pimps out all kinds of Pokemon. His bitches include but are not limited to, Squirtle, Bulbasaur, and of course his favorite money making tramp, Pikachu.
Ash pimps out these ho's and battles with other pimps in a stadium, yeah like a fuckin gladiator! Ash puts only the finest ho's out for competition in Pokemon Stadium against other pimps, like those of Team Rocket, in hopes of acquiring more ho's. Y'all know the slogan of a pimp like Ash, "Gotta catch 'em all!"And then set those ho's straight, let em know whose boss. You think Bulbasaur or Muk would ever have the balls to tell Ash not to keep them pent up in that little ass ball?
Hell no!! Ash keeps his ho's working for him!
But for all his hustlin and baller antics, Ash faces a most deserved number 1 seed in the tournament, FDR.
The 32nd President of the United States is basically a prototype of anyone wanting to become a Mogul. FDR has spent his whole life as being nothing but a straight pimp. He's fifth cousins with Theodore Roosevelt, also a mack, and is the only person to be elected to four terms in office as commander and chief of the United States. How sweet is that, pretty much an unwritten law amongst Presidents, that you were only allowed two non-consecutive terms. What did FDR do?
Just straight up was like, "I don't give a Fuck!" and ran for a third term because he felt like it. If that's not mogul, than I don't know what is.
However is that enough to stack up with Ash's pimping skills??
Well don't for a second think that FDR wasn't a true pimp in every facet of the word. He pimped out Churchill constantly. He used that silly bitch as his puppet. Let's not forget Stalin, that's right ladies and gentlemen FDR had Stalin by his balls, forced him to support the UN and agree to enter the war against Japan after 90 days after Germany was defeated. FDR didn't give this whore any second of rest as he ordered him to get back out there and make him some damn money!
And speaking of Japan, let us not forget the proverbial bitch slap heard round the world when Emperor Showa was forced to bring shame upon his nation as he had no other option when he surrendered to the Allied Forces. Showa directly ignored an order from his pimp to surrender and got the shit kicked out of his country for it. Basically don't fuck with FDR.
So Ash can throw down any combination of Squritle, Pikachu and Bulbasaur he wants, if this had to be decided in Pokemon Stadium, FDR would thrown down Churchill and Stalin and still easily take this match-up.
Ash is a pimp in training, however FDR is an all around Mack. And easily moves on into the round of 32. For all you mogul madness followers, hopefully FDR will draw a better match in the next round and give us all a better match-up.
Overlord Region action continues as the closest matchup gets underway. It's a battle for the New World when the Monroe Doctrine squares off against the bloodthirsty Conquistadors.
8 Monroe Doctrine
On December 2, 1823 James Monroe announced that the western hemisphere would no longer be open to European influence and colonization. In return, the U.S.A. promised not to rough up any European powers. This is some baller ass shit, because it had been only 4o years since we declared independence from Britain. In fact, we were only ten years out of beating up the Limeys again to cement our independence! Clearly, Monroe was a ganster.
But the gangster implications of Monroe's badass doctrine were unknown even to himself. In 1904, Teddy Roosevelt (a true player in his own right) would add a Corollary to make it even more sweet. Not only would the U.S. lay the smack down on Europe, but it could rough up countries in the Americas due to "flagrant and chronic wrongdoing by a Latin American Nation.” Basically, we set ourselves up as the big boy on the block.
Furthermore, JFK, one of the all-time players, invoked the Monroe Doctrine to bust on those whack ass commies in the Cuban Missile Crisis.
Clearly, the Monroe Doctrine made America the pimping-est nation in the Western Hemisphere, and eventually the world.
9 Conquistadors
After Columbus opened up the New World to European exploration, Spain took that shit over and sent Conquistadors to rip it up. The Conquistadors were some pretty tough hombres, and they were clearly macks. They had advanced weapons, advanced ships, and advanced diseases to rock the indigenous people. And they had the brutal desire to destroy which backed it all up.
And let's not forget that they had the baller ass encomienda system, by which conquistadors became feudal lords and extracted tribute from the natives. The Spanish Crown actively encouraged this, and honored the warriors who were the most vicious.
The system worked and by the late 1500s, American silver accounted for approx. 1/5 of Spain's income.
But how do these two forces match up?
The case is simple, MOB squad, if the Monroe Doctrine had been in effect, the Conquistadors would have been destroyed. The Monroe Doctrine took out the British, French, and Spanish, then was used to smack around the countries it initially protected, and finally helped destroy the USSR.
More upsets about mob squad as Professor X and Solid Snake move on, while the powerhouse that is the BCS also gets the nod. Stay tuned tomorrow as more match ups will be up for debate and more suckers are about to get smoked. Mogul Madness 2009 bitches!
Swiss checking in with your latest bracket action. Apparently there's some other March Madness tournament going on right now? Something about basketball? Well if it ain't Kobe, JP Swiss don't give a damn.
From the Baller Region, we match up the Hova and the Mastermind of Mutants, Jay-Z vs. Prof. X.
4 Jay-Z Jay-Z is indeed a mogul. Transforming his modest rapping ability into a veritable empire, Shawn Corey Carter is one of the most paid artists in the world. His nickname of Hova comes from being the savior, or Jehova of rap. That's quite the claim, comparing himself to the biggest mack of all, God.
Furthermore, he locked up Beyonce who is one of the most attractive ladies on the planet. And he has legit street cred, because he allegedly stabbed a guy at a record release party, which is always respectable.
Yet how does he stack up against his first round rival, Professor X?
13 Professor X
It's an alphabet soup matchup with Z breakin' on X. Professor X is the leader of the X-Men. How baller is it that he named his squad after his own initial? Very baller indeed. Put it this way, Jay Z doesn't have the Z-Squad. Additionally, X is the smartest, most powerful mutant or man in the whole Marvel Universe. That ain't nothing to sleep on, dog.
Professor X gets crippled by Magneto, sure, but that only makes him more of a mogul when he (several times) overcomes his handicap and walks again! Factor in his constant pimping of Jean Grey, Emma Frost, and Moira Taggert and Charles is down to get down. This brings me to a huge criticism of Jay Z: after Chris Brown did the most unballer thing possible and whupped up on Rhianna (closed fist is for noguls, son), Jay Z just let that shit stand. You think that if Chris Brown knocked around Emma Frost X would let him get away? Fuck no! Charles melts your mind, homie.
Furthermore, Jay Z sold his own record label, effectively giving up on his original career. X keeps that shit real and lives in a baller ass mansion!
Also, Jay Z loses face with his wack ass retirement. I can't tell you how much shit like that bothers me. I suppose you could make the case that it's hustlin', but I'll leave that to you and your wanksta ass blog.
Even granting that going into retirement isn't a chump ass move, Xavier trumps Z in that contest too! When the Hova came back, he sold a bunch of records. When X came back, he was manifested as ONSLAUGHT! He killed practically every non-mutant superhero!
The last straw is the fact that in an alternate universe where Xavier dies young, the world falls apart and becomes a dystopia. If Jay-Z never lived, what would be the worst thing that happened? I wouldn't be able to wear shitty Rocawear gear?
The final, final point is that Jay-Z is basically a no-talent wanksta who bit Nas' style and Professor X is a dope ass baller who even has a better rap name.
Let me put this into mathematics for you: X > Z and 13 > 4.
X back at it again mob squad as today M.O.B. brings you a battle from the Hustler Region. Tonight, the 12th ranked Solid Snake infiltrates the home court of 5th ranked Starbucks. Who will win as these hustlers grind it out tonight? Snake comes into this as the key protagonist in the Metal Gear Solid video games where he acts as a special ops soldier, spy and gun for hire. Snake is a flat out Mack because with him, he could bitch slap you and you wouldn't even see it coming. With Snake it's all about stealth and that is his greatest asset. Snake single handedly takes on his brother Liquid Ocelot, which is also his twin and at the same time him and his father, i know it's weird, mechanical nuclear robots that are out to destroy the world. He lacks the flashy skills of say, Raiden but isn't as fruity as him either, in fact Snake oozes machismo like Razor Ramon status. Snake is so bad ass that he continues to kick Ocelot and Metal Gear ass as an old geezer. He fucking kept on pimping into his golden years and if thats not the dream for any baller, i don't know what is.
However Snake steps unto Starbucks' field where entrepreneurship is their bread and butter. Starbucks started as a small coffee shop in Seattle and has grown exponentially into a massive conglomerate. Starbucks is actually synonymous with big business and monopolizing assets. In fact Starbucks has been accused of violating several fair trade practices and imposing American imperialism on countries.
When you break the match up down though, Starbucks seems like the clear winner into you realize that by the time it takes a Starbucks barista to pour you a house coffee, Solid Snake would have already infiltrated their headquarters, taken out their CEO, downloaded their plan for world domination from his mainframe and sent it back to Otacon and set off a time bomb ready to take down the corporation with a touch of a button. Snake in all his stealthy glory just hustled Starbucks. Starbucks learned a hard lesson today, you can't fight what you can't see. Let that be a lesson to all mob squad members.
