Aristocrat Region: 2 Wu Tang Clan vs. 15 Gandalf

What's up Mob Squad, Emcee X here bringing ya one of the most anticipated first round match ups of the tournament. Today we get to witness an epic battle in scope and size as the Uruk-hai smashing Gandalf takes on the RZA, the GZA, the Ghostface Killah and the entire Wu-Tang Clan!

Lets begin with Gandalf, who began his mogul journey as Gandalf the Grey. When he went to the shire to visit his homie Bilbo, while toking some herb from a fat pipe which mob squad is always a sign of a true hustler, he discovered that bitch Bilbo was hiding some awesome bling.

He straight up coped that shit from Bilbo and went on to form a fucking fellowship of his ring. Back then a fellowship was like in today's terms if you formed a massive corporation, that shit just didn't happen everyday yo! This fellowship went on and just hustled the shit out of middle earth. The list of casualties include; Gríma Wormtongue, Sauron, the punk ass Saruman and one of the all time classic noguls the Steward of Gondor Denethor.

Gandalf not only was a playa in his first life on middle earth when he died, he came back as an even stronger pimp in the form of Gandalf the White. Most pimps and playas can only sustain that level of hustlin over one lifetime but Gandalf was able to continue his hustling, even by hustlin death and come back... at the turn of the tide to smack some bitches up!

However Gandalf is dealing with a most formidable foe in the entire Wu Tang Clan. Which includes the RZA, which is short for the Razor, The GZA aka the Genius, the Ol'Dirty Bastard, Inspectah Deck, Raekwon the chef, Mr. Meth the Method Man, the Ghostface Killah, U-God and the Masta Killa.

The members of the Wu Tang Clan all have massive street cred and are one of the all time greatest hip hop groups to ever grace a stage. They have their hands in everything from clothing lines, movies video games. These 9 men are some of the dopest entrepreneurs ever.

The Wu Tang Clan is all about taking heads off and swinging swords like shinobi. They are legit gangstas and will fuck you up. They came up with one of the all time greatest acronyms in CREAM (Cash Rules Everything Around Me) which should be a standard all Moguls should follow their lives by.

So how should this fight be decided on... well if it was up to Meth, and I'm sure Gandalf would not mind, they would probably engage all the participants in this match up in a pre-fight smoke sesh. Like Method says, "roll that shit, light that shit and smoke it". So after everyone is in the proper mind set for the match-up, the only way to decide this fight is of course by bringing in a Balrog in and see who survives.

First of all the Balrog is a great enemy to encounter and this time Gandalf won't have the halls of Moria to save his ass. The Balrog would most likely take out U-God, Masta Killa first seeing as they are the weak links to the clan. Of course ODB would most likely be too high to fight and would walk into a whip attack. Gandalf and RZA, the abbot would be holding their ground. While GZA, Meth, Ghostface and Deck would be attacking from behind. Raekwon would be cooking up some coke since he's the chef but since he was not paying attention he would get axed next.

This epic fight could go on until, Gandalf finally would slay the Balrog after two days and nights and when the fight was over and Gandalf was about to claim victory, Deck would shank him. The remaining members of the clan would then proceed to dump his body in the subterranean lake at the bottom of the great halls of Moria.

The Wu just hustled Gandalf into destroying the Balrog for them and then in appropriate mob style, thanked him appropriately.

Remember, Wu Tang Clan ain't nuthin to Fuck wit! Wu Tang Clan ain't nuthin to Fuck wit!

Hustler Region: 1 Franklin D. Roosevelt vs. 16 Ash Ketchum

Alright mob squad, X bringing the first of the number 1 seeds to compete thus far in the tournament as we have scheduled for tonight 16th seed Ash Ketchum of Pokemon fame vs. the 1 seed in the Hustler Region, Franklin D. Roosevelt (FDR).

Let's start off with Ash's hustler credentials, firstly and foremost Ash is a straight pimp. He pimps out all kinds of Pokemon. His bitches include but are not limited to, Squirtle, Bulbasaur, and of course his favorite money making tramp, Pikachu.

Ash pimps out these ho's and battles with other pimps in a stadium, yeah like a fuckin gladiator! Ash puts only the finest ho's out for competition in Pokemon Stadium against other pimps, like those of Team Rocket, in hopes of acquiring more ho's. Y'all know the slogan of a pimp like Ash, "Gotta catch 'em all!"And then set those ho's straight, let em know whose boss. You think Bulbasaur or Muk would ever have the balls to tell Ash not to keep them pent up in that little ass ball?

Hell no!! Ash keeps his ho's working for him!

But for all his hustlin and baller antics, Ash faces a most deserved number 1 seed in the tournament, FDR.

The 32nd President of the United States is basically a prototype of anyone wanting to become a Mogul. FDR has spent his whole life as being nothing but a straight pimp. He's fifth cousins with Theodore Roosevelt, also a mack, and is the only person to be elected to four terms in office as commander and chief of the United States. How sweet is that, pretty much an unwritten law amongst Presidents, that you were only allowed two non-consecutive terms. What did FDR do?

Just straight up was like, "I don't give a Fuck!" and ran for a third term because he felt like it. If that's not mogul, than I don't know what is.

However is that enough to stack up with Ash's pimping skills??

Well don't for a second think that FDR wasn't a true pimp in every facet of the word. He pimped out Churchill constantly. He used that silly bitch as his puppet. Let's not forget Stalin, that's right ladies and gentlemen FDR had Stalin by his balls, forced him to support the UN and agree to enter the war against Japan after 90 days after Germany was defeated. FDR didn't give this whore any second of rest as he ordered him to get back out there and make him some damn money!

And speaking of Japan, let us not forget the proverbial bitch slap heard round the world when Emperor Showa was forced to bring shame upon his nation as he had no other option when he surrendered to the Allied Forces. Showa directly ignored an order from his pimp to surrender and got the shit kicked out of his country for it.

Basically don't fuck with FDR.

So Ash can throw down any combination of Squritle, Pikachu and Bulbasaur he wants, if this had to be decided in Pokemon Stadium, FDR would thrown down Churchill and Stalin and still easily take this match-up.

Ash is a pimp in training, however FDR is an all around Mack. And easily moves on into the round of 32. For all you mogul madness followers, hopefully FDR will draw a better match in the next round and give us all a better match-up.

Overlord Region: 8 Monroe Doctrine vs. 9 Conquistadors

Overlord Region action continues as the closest matchup gets underway. It's a battle for the New World when the Monroe Doctrine squares off against the bloodthirsty Conquistadors.

8 Monroe Doctrine

On December 2, 1823 James Monroe announced that the western hemisphere would no longer be open to European influence and colonization. In return, the U.S.A. promised not to rough up any European powers. This is some baller ass shit, because it had been only 4o years since we declared independence from Britain. In fact, we were only ten years out of beating up the Limeys again to cement our independence! Clearly, Monroe was a ganster.

But the gangster implications of Monroe's badass doctrine were unknown even to himself. In 1904, Teddy Roosevelt (a true player in his own right) would add a Corollary to make it even more sweet. Not only would the U.S. lay the smack down on Europe, but it could rough up countries in the Americas due to "flagrant and chronic wrongdoing by a Latin American Nation.” Basically, we set ourselves up as the big boy on the block.

Furthermore, JFK, one of the all-time players, invoked the Monroe Doctrine to bust on those whack ass commies in the Cuban Missile Crisis.

Clearly, the Monroe Doctrine made America the pimping-est nation in the Western Hemisphere, and eventually the world.

9 Conquistadors

After Columbus opened up the New World to European exploration, Spain took that shit over and sent Conquistadors to rip it up. The Conquistadors were some pretty tough hombres, and they were clearly macks. They had advanced weapons, advanced ships, and advanced diseases to rock the indigenous people. And they had the brutal desire to destroy which backed it all up.

And let's not forget that they had the baller ass encomienda system, by which conquistadors became feudal lords and extracted tribute from the natives. The Spanish Crown actively encouraged this, and honored the warriors who were the most vicious.

The system worked and by the late 1500s, American silver accounted for approx. 1/5 of Spain's income.

But how do these two forces match up?

The case is simple, MOB squad, if the Monroe Doctrine had been in effect, the Conquistadors would have been destroyed. The Monroe Doctrine took out the British, French, and Spanish, then was used to smack around the countries it initially protected, and finally helped destroy the USSR.

Baller!

Updated Brackets (3/19/09)

More upsets about mob squad as Professor X and Solid Snake move on, while the powerhouse that is the BCS also gets the nod. Stay tuned tomorrow as more match ups will be up for debate and more suckers are about to get smoked. Mogul Madness 2009 bitches!

Updated brackets below:

Baller Region: (4) Jay-Z vs. (13) Professor X

Swiss checking in with your latest bracket action. Apparently there's some other March Madness tournament going on right now? Something about basketball? Well if it ain't Kobe, JP Swiss don't give a damn.

From the Baller Region, we match up the Hova and the Mastermind of Mutants, Jay-Z vs. Prof. X.

4 Jay-Z
Jay-Z is indeed a mogul. Transforming his modest rapping ability into a veritable empire, Shawn Corey Carter is one of the most paid artists in the world. His nickname of Hova comes from being the savior, or Jehova of rap. That's quite the claim, comparing himself to the biggest mack of all, God.

Furthermore, he locked up Beyonce who is one of the most attractive ladies on the planet. And he has legit street cred, because he allegedly stabbed a guy at a record release party, which is always respectable.

Yet how does he stack up against his first round rival, Professor X?

13 Professor X

It's an alphabet soup matchup with Z breakin' on X. Professor X is the leader of the X-Men. How baller is it that he named his squad after his own initial? Very baller indeed. Put it this way, Jay Z doesn't have the Z-Squad. Additionally, X is the smartest, most powerful mutant or man in the whole Marvel Universe. That ain't nothing to sleep on, dog.

Professor X gets crippled by Magneto, sure, but that only makes him more of a mogul when he (several times) overcomes his handicap and walks again! Factor in his constant pimping of Jean Grey, Emma Frost, and Moira Taggert and Charles is down to get down. This brings me to a huge criticism of Jay Z: after Chris Brown did the most unballer thing possible and whupped up on Rhianna (closed fist is for noguls, son), Jay Z just let that shit stand. You think that if Chris Brown knocked around Emma Frost X would let him get away? Fuck no! Charles melts your mind, homie.

Furthermore, Jay Z sold his own record label, effectively giving up on his original career. X keeps that shit real and lives in a baller ass mansion!

Also, Jay Z loses face with his wack ass retirement. I can't tell you how much shit like that bothers me. I suppose you could make the case that it's hustlin', but I'll leave that to you and your wanksta ass blog.

Even granting that going into retirement isn't a chump ass move, Xavier trumps Z in that contest too! When the Hova came back, he sold a bunch of records. When X came back, he was manifested as ONSLAUGHT! He killed practically every non-mutant superhero!

The last straw is the fact that in an alternate universe where Xavier dies young, the world falls apart and becomes a dystopia. If Jay-Z never lived, what would be the worst thing that happened? I wouldn't be able to wear shitty Rocawear gear?

The final, final point is that Jay-Z is basically a no-talent wanksta who bit Nas' style and Professor X is a dope ass baller who even has a better rap name.

Let me put this into mathematics for you: X > Z and 13 > 4.

Professor X upsets Jay-Z to make the next round.

Hustler Region: 5 Starbucks vs. 12 Solid Snake

X back at it again mob squad as today M.O.B. brings you a battle from the Hustler Region. Tonight, the 12th ranked Solid Snake infiltrates the home court of 5th ranked Starbucks. Who will win as these hustlers grind it out tonight?

Snake comes into this as the key protagonist in the Metal Gear Solid video games where he acts as a special ops soldier, spy and gun for hire. Snake is a flat out Mack because with him, he could bitch slap you and you wouldn't even see it coming. With Snake it's all about stealth and that is his greatest asset. Snake single handedly takes on his brother Liquid Ocelot, which is also his twin and at the same time him and his father, i know it's weird, mechanical nuclear robots that are out to destroy the world. He lacks the flashy skills of say, Raiden but isn't as fruity as him either, in fact Snake oozes machismo like Razor Ramon status. Snake is so bad ass that he continues to kick Ocelot and Metal Gear ass as an old geezer. He fucking kept on pimping into his golden years and if thats not the dream for any baller, i don't know what is.

However Snake steps unto Starbucks' field where entrepreneurship is their bread and butter. Starbucks started as a small coffee shop in Seattle and has grown exponentially into a massive conglomerate. Starbucks is actually synonymous with big business and monopolizing assets. In fact Starbucks has been accused of violating several fair trade practices and imposing American imperialism on countries.

When you break the match up down though, Starbucks seems like the clear winner into you realize that by the time it takes a Starbucks barista to pour you a house coffee, Solid Snake would have already infiltrated their headquarters, taken out their CEO, downloaded their plan for world domination from his mainframe and sent it back to Otacon and set off a time bomb ready to take down the corporation with a touch of a button. Snake in all his stealthy glory just hustled Starbucks. Starbucks learned a hard lesson today, you can't fight what you can't see. Let that be a lesson to all mob squad members.

Aristocrat Region: 4 The BCS vs. 13 Morpheus

What up fellow Moguls, hopefully none of you got hustled last night and were just being your baller-selves on St. Patrick's Day. Emcee X checkin in again, with some of the latest match ups that are about to take place today in Mogul Madness. Last time the Cinderella's ruled the day... will that continue as,

4 The BCS takes on 13 Morpheus

First we have the machine like BCS taking on everyone's favorite machine fighter Morpheus.

The BCS is machine like because of its lack of empathy it has for so many deserving football programs across America, year in and year out. For those not in the know, The BCS stands for The Bowl Championship Series and is used in the NCAA Football Bowl Sub Subdivision or commonly known as Div. I schools such as USC, Texas, Miami, Florida and Noguls like Vanderbilt (more on Vandy in another post) and basically every team in the Big Ten... yeah i said it, the Big Ten is just whack. Anyways, back to the BCS. The BCS attempts to match up the #1 and #2 teams annually but somehow manage to fuck up all the time. The reason the BCS drops the proverbial ball is because it uses a series of computer polls to determine rankings and not actual on field results. The BCS is a straight up hustler though for the fact that A. they keep the non power conferences out of the mix, never allowing them to move up. Which is something any mogul should look to do and B. the only way that you can change the BCS is by submitting a proposal to the BCS and having them vote on whether or not they get rid of themselves?!?

Are you kidding me? That's just down right gangsta on all levels, straight up ballin!

However, don't count Morpheus out so quickly. Morpheus is the captain of the Nebuchadnezzar and is the only playa, to ever rock the rimless and frame less sunglasses. A classic mogul move right there. Not only is he unique in that sense, he is also a cold blooded killer. You all saw how he did in those ghost twins in that Escalope with a fucking samurai sword to top things off. He also straight up hustled, and i mean hustled Neo into thinking he was the one when he really wasn't the one.

However, when the machines were baring down on Zion, Morpheus, his woman Niobe and the rest of the humans had to sit back and watch themselves get killed by the machines. If it wasn't for Neo, they would all be dead. If the tournament could take place in the Matrix, Morpheus could stand a better chance, but this is the real world son, and in the real, the behemoth machine the BCS will do to Zion and Morpheus what the machines in the movie were going to do.

Morpheus out, The BCS in

Updated Mogul Madness Brackets

Mayhem ensued and a couple of upsets ruled the day as Lincoln, Jameson and Durden are the first of the privileged moguls to move on. More action to come in the upcoming days, stay tuned mob squad.

Updated tournament brackets below:

Hustler Region: 6 J.K. Rowling vs. 11 Jenna Jameson

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Baller Region

Swiss here to drop some knowledge on you with the opening salvo of the Baller Region in Mogul Madness 09.

(8) Tyler Durden vs. (9) Angelina Jolie

We're starting today with the 8 and 9 seeds, Tyler Durden and Angelina Jolie respectively. That's Durden from Fight Club, not Brad Pitt or the PUA, mind you.

Durden is a baller, through and through. He not only created Fight Club, heightened it into Project Mayhem, but he hustled the Narrator out of his own damn life! He looks like you want to look, he acts like you want to act, and he fucks like you want to fuck. Throw in the fact that he macks on Marla and makes it rain with soap all over town and he's a legit mogul.

But who does he face?

Angelina Jolie is a lady mack of epic status. Her dad is John Voight, but she's still smoking hot. That is quite incredible, and she's parlayed it into major movie star status. But her most epic hustle of all has to be stealing Brad Pitt from America's Sweetheart, Jennifer Aniston. Every woman in America feels insecure compared to Jolie, and every woman loves Jennifer Aniston. And all these playa haters had to stand by and watch as Jolie mercilessly stole him away.

Furthermore, she actually hustled Brad Pitt because his goal was to be a father. You want kids, Pitt? How about 10 of the little bastards? A cool baker's dozen? Jolie has his ass globetrotting around the world through warzones and refugee camps to name another snot nosed brat "Aiden."

Ultimately though, these hustles pale in comparison to Durden. Aniston is nothing more than a young Barbara Streisand, so stealing away Pitt isn't the most impressive feat. Durden created a counterculture and made anarcho-primitivism seem like a good idea.

That's a mogul, son.

Aristocrat Region: 7 Suge Knight vs. 10 Abraham Lincoln

What up mob squad, Emcee X checking in, bringing you the first of the many match-ups for Mogul Madness 09. First up, from the Aristocrat region we couldn't have asked for more of an epic clash of titans as we have the number 7 seeded gangsta kingpin, Suge Knight vs the ultimate union baller Abraham Lincoln.

Suge is one of the finest entrepreneurs of the music business, as he brought together some of the illest rappers of the early 90's with Death Row records. However, Lincoln is a god damn American Institution son. This man was responsible for putting the U.S. in check during the Civil War. So let's take a look at some of their credentials to see who gets to move in.

In a straight up baller move, Suge was responsible for a dope ass punk job on classic Nogul, Vanilla Ice. That is just classic thuggery at its best. Mad props go out to Suge for the mad hustle he pulled on Ice. What's also great about that punk job is that allegedly Suge mad his first fortune in music be making Ice pay him in royalties for "Ice Ice Baby".

However, what about Lincoln. Mob Squad you know Lincoln has his fair share of hustlin n bustlin under his sleeves. First off, this is one of the pillars of Moguldom, and that is if you can get yo face on some money than all the playa's know you mean business. Although the penny is probably the bitch of the coins to be on, the 5 dollar bill is nothing to mess with. It's no Benjamin, but it's something handled everyday in all sorts of nefarious acts. Of course there's the Emancipation Proclamation which freed slaves in non union controlled states. I mean, that's straight up Hustling son. The union didn't even control these states and yet they were passing laws on them. Basically Lincoln put Jefferson Davis and Robert E. Lee on blast and let them know who the fucking boss was.

What seems like a close match up at the beginning begins to lose the hype after realizing that no disrespect to Suge's accomplishments, there were also times when he was straight up just not being a mogul in any sense of the word. Not only was he a scrub and played games for the Los Angeles Rams during the strike shortened season but was on the Dean's list while he attended UNLV. You were supposed to be a running rebel Suge, not a running do-gooder?

Come on now, I don't even think Lincoln has to bust out most of his other mogul moves to break Knight's ankles. He'll save those for later, as Lincoln easily defeats Suge and moves on to the round of 32.

Midnight Flow

What's up mob squad faithful, your boy Emcee X checking in. Wanted to give big props to Swiss for spreading the idea of the Nogul.

Honestly, if this country is ever going to get back on track, we as a people have to get rid of these noguls. You'll know a nogul when you see one. They're everywhere, those douche's in your classes, your work (especially at your work), almost everywhere you can conceivably go, you know a noguls not far off, ready to hate on you. They just hate on any ideas you got and try and try to make it seem like you're not going to do shit with your ideas. Don't worry though, mob squad and moguls far and wide Emcee X and JP Swiss are here to keep those ho's in line.

Here's a fresh flow to keep yo heads up and dreams alive:

This goes out to all the killers out there
Living everyday to the beat of that snare
Going bout, the things that you do
Just getting up sometimes is more than I can do

That alarm clock rings and a million things
Pop into yo head
Working that job and you see no end
Walk to the store, bought some milk n bread
Took a step out and crept back to your shed
They do nothing but bring you down
But don't let that shit hustle you around

Got to be real and live that dream
As my man, Rza would say, "It's all about that cream"
So fuck the no namers, the flamers
Who hate on this shit, I'm not trying to hear the words you spit
Just transmitting my message to all ears, no more fears
To live a life that's worth all these years

The word is sent so don't be afraid to pay that rent
Cuz when your years are spent
You got to be able to look back and represent
That life you live, the good things you did
Don't just live to get by
Be that artist, that dreamer and try

So granted, Emcee X is still working on his flows but if you need some professional emcee's to get you by listen to these inspirational tunes

X out

Noguls: The Baller's Natural Enemy

MCX and JP Swiss are just a couple of devils in the City of Angels, L.A. CA.

Mogul Madness 09 is officially open for business. And I couldn't agree more that the Outworld Tournament is nothing compared to MM09. Sorry, but Johnny Cage is a low-blow, snot throwing, primadonna mark ass mark.

Speaking of trick ass tricks, we have to talk about something important, Mob Squad. As we all know, you cannot have one thing without having its opposite. Thus, it is my solemn duty to introduce the concept of the Nogul. If a mogul is an industry leading, bleeding edge hustler, the nogul is its polar foil. A playa hater, style biter, triflin' ass wanksta is a nogul.

Jar Jar Binks.

Ja Rule.

All of the Los Angeles Clippers.

All of these fools bring a tear to my eye, and the eye of every true blue blood baller out there. Who is the biggest Nogul of them all? Let me know what you think, and we'll get back at you with our judgment.

-SWZA

Magnate Minute with JP Swiss and KB 24

Hot on the heels of MM09's release, I'd like to spend some time with you, dear reader, to get your head straight, to help you meditate.

What does it mean to be a baller? A shot caller?

Well in honor of KB24's clutch performance against the wanksta ass Rockets, please enjoy this haiku (I know you will Yao).

Kobe steals, shoots, scores

Pau Gasol is here to help
M.V.P. Again

A man exists for a generation, but his name lasts to the end of time...

Wise words for all our moguls in the tournament to ponder.

JP Swiss

Mogul Madness Brackets

64 Rounds of grindin' till the stash is done
Hustlers bow down cuz there is just one
The quintessential mogul feat
To be crowned, champion of the streets...

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls
Get cha' popcorn ready

Mogul Madness 2009 is upon us!
(Que the epic music)

Yeah, so we hustled the music, but if i can be real for a second, that outworld tournament has nothing on Mogul Madness. This is it kids, the big dance every industry leader dreams of competing in.

And without further adieu here are the final brackets:

Click the image to see the entire brackets in a bigger window on your computer. This image will be updated as the winners move on.

And I would be a straight wanksta here if I didn't speak a little about the tournament. After the exciting PLAYA'S PLAY IN ROUND where Toe Jam and Earl defeated Rick Ross, all the regions were set (Overlord, Aristocrat, Hustler and Baller) each of which will be hotly contested. With front runners and underdogs spread about. Hands down though and I think Swiss would agree, the Overlord Region has got to be considered, top to bottom the toughest region of the tournament. With odds on favorite to win, Standard Oil having the number 1 spot on lockdown, along with moguls like Jay Z, Dr. Hammond and the Montreal Screwjob. But mob squad let us not sleep on other moguls in the other regions, including but not limited to, The BCS, The Monopoly Guy, Oprah, The Godfather, The Louisiana Purchase, Cigarette Companies and the Wu-Tang Clan.

So stay tuned where in the upcoming posts we will breakdown each match-up and reveal the winners. Mob squad and everyone as a matter a fact, feel free to leave comments on who you think will win and who knows, if you can correctly predict the winner of the inaugural Mogul Madness there could be a perk package for you, courtesy of M.O.B.

So Moguls, hustlers, player's, pimps, industry leaders, macks and ballers have that baby powder by your side and get ready to keep those ho's in line

X, out.

Mogul Madness 2009, Bitches!

JP Swiss checking in, and I must say it's rare to be part of such a momentous occasion. Rare for you, actually, because it doesn't even phase a baller such as myself. Just another Monday for Swiss.

But the real news here is the announcement of MOGUL MADNESS 2009. This is the tournament that features only the realest ballers, hustlers, moguls, industry leaders, macks, pimps, and captains of capitalism battling it out to determine who is the number 1 playa of all.

We'll be unveiling the match ups and results over the coming posts, but as a special treat, we're getting right into the action with our PLAYA'S PLAY IN ROUND featuring "Everyday I'm Hustlin'" Rick Ross and straight outta Funkatron Toe Jam and Earl. Each of these worthy moguls is fighting for the 16th seed in the Overlord Region.


Rick Ross earned the coveted M.O.B. nod by virtue of his hustler's anthem, "Everday I'm Hustlin'." Reppin' the MIA, he cuts em wide, he cuts em long, he cuts em fat. He's steady slangin' llello and his Chevy is banging hey-oh.

But how does he stack up against the intergalactic industry leaders of funk, Toe Jam and Earl?

When TJ let's Big Earl drive their banging spaceship, all hell breaks loose. Their baller-ass rocket disintegrates all over Earth, and they must recover the pieces to get home. Along the way, they teach the square citizens of our planet how to live, love, and get trapped in jars, all in typically funky fashion.

Toe Jam and Earl are strong candidates, no doubt, but in this match up, the truth about Rick Ross is more damaging than any tomato they could ever throw.

Let it be known far and wide, MOB Squad faithful, that Rick Ross' true name is in fact William Leonard Roberts Jr.

Leonard?!
Junior?!

Well good day, sir. I said "good day!"

If that weren't enough, he actually lifted his name from "Freeway" Rick Ross, the notorious Los Angeles drug dealer who was implicated in the Iran-Contra scandal! I'm sorry William, but when you jack another man's real name to be your stage name, you can't be a true mack.

In fact, I'm starting to suspect that you don't even know Noriega, real or otherwise, and that he probably doesn't owe you a hundred favors!

Combine this shocking truth with the (even more!) shocking truth that Roberts was a prison guard?

Well it's just no contest.

So ladies and gentleman, I present your first victor in the 2009 Mogul Madness Tournament, Toe Jam and Earl! They win the right to join the prestigious Overlord Region as the 16th seed.

Will their luck and funk continue? Can they slay yet another dragon?

Stay tuned...

Swiss

The Art of the Long Con (The Guy Fieri)

I’d like to take the time to discuss an important idea to keep in mind when one chooses to become a mogul and that, of course, is not getting hustled yourself. When you’re a mogul, you do the hustling… not the other way around. In this account, which should be used for learning purposes, I’ll tell the tale of the one time Emcee X and JP Swiss were hustled… and you can be damn sure it’ll be the last.

As the mob squad knows, Emcee X and JP Swiss work at a bookstore. JP Swiss and I were arguing over whether Guy Fieri, of Food Network fame, was a cool dude. I mean all he does for a living is drive a sweet car around the county and eat, seems pretty baller to me. However JP convinced me that in all reality he looks and acts like a douche, it took some time but after a few weeks I changed my opinion on him to match JP’s. So from then on, it was a massive two-month hate-fest on Guy Fieri. Then when Emcee X and JP Swiss decided it was time for us to start to hustle the game and make some cash for ourselves we decided to set up the first mogul meeting to discuss our future money making ventures. We decided on T.G.I. Friday’s as the venue to hold said monumental event and a few drinks into our meeting we realized that the unthinkable had just occurred… we had just been hustled. Friday’s as everyone knows uses Fieri as there spokesman and we had just unknowingly gave him some of our hard earned cash! All in all, Fieri just hustled us and this whole time we considered him to be non baller status, he was hustling us from the get go. Seriously, how the fuck did we not know that during our mogul meeting, our mogul meeting of utmost importance where we were discussing among other things, hustling anyone and everything, we were the ones who were actually being hustled!

Let this be a lesson to all mob squad members and actually everyone reading the blog, don’t get drawn into the long con, or the Fieri as M.O.B. now calls it, don’t let someone hustle you, you do the hustling.

Emcee X